A letter to Me from My new rubber gimp about his thoughts on slavery – generally, and to Me:
Slavery as defined by the dictionary means to be in subjugation, emphasising the idea of complete ownership and control by a Mistress/Master. It implies a state of bondage. Slavery as a system is one in which people are treated as property – objects in effect. Slaves can be held against their will from the point of capture and be deprived of their rights as defined by birth right and human rights.
Mistress’ ownership of me has been different in that slavery commenced from a voluntary starting point. It is involuntary in popular definitions but the nature of Mistress owning me is that i felt powerless to resist. Mistress’ capture of me was noticeable for the way in which i sought it out and, despite reservations and numerous fears, willingly placing myself in a vulnerable position… to be gimp’d.
The understanding of slavery has been a creeping feeling as if incrementally, i have slowly been submerged by it. Initially it was a hypothetical notion and one which i was openly not clear of and not entirely sure really existed. i retained a sense of my own independence and a belief in my ability to withdraw that it was all a concept and not a reality. It is the case that i still felt able to separate my life and routines from the idea of becoming the property of Another. i was conscious of the growing expectations of me being available and needing to respond but it was not onerous or something i resented ( i have since messed up on occasions and quite rightly Mistress has berated me for this ). Subtle shifts were felt and my control seemed to ebb away without me really questioning or delaying things. Key junctures and steps pass with me willingly committing to them.
Retaining objectivity whilst my mind spins and my desire strengthens has been impossible to the extent that i find myself agreeing to things and abandoning any doubts. Perhaps this reflects my trust of Mistress; perhaps my knowledge of what Mistress may do if i do not follow Her instructions ( tonight i had a rough idea of what Her wrath would entail ); or perhaps it is simply a reflection of my desire to be perfect for Her.
Mistress’ choice to own me and for me to be someone who is part of Her personal life distinguishes my slavery from the general descriptions of slavery historically – as it is a closer one-to-one bond. The financial debt and difference in social class and prejudice that has created situations where slavery may exist – such as where a person is enslaved due to a financial debt – is not a key aspect of the slavery that Mistress has permitted me. Equally the large impersonal enslavement of social groups does not incorporate any sense of the intimacy and personal care i feel from Mistress ( but Mistress cares for my wellbeing, to protect me and make me stronger ). There are incremental increases in the level of sacrifice that Mistress expects from me which are, however, establishing a twisted sense of debt as i am presenting greater leverage to Mistress with which to undermine and ultimately destroy my life outside of bondage.
Slavery as a concept has changed in my mind dramatically over the last couple of weeks. Fundamentally it is not a concept now but a reality ( yet to be ratified by O/our meeting ). i feel the control that Mistress has over me as a pervasive influence. Pervasive is inaccurate, however, as i can feel myself willingly adjust to suit Her whims ( again this can be viewed as subjective, given how the last 24hrs has transcended ) – it is not an intrusion. My sense of self and an identity that has been built up over time as a result of many contexts is crumbling. The feeling of being owned and of being property has grown to the point where it is inevitable. The notion of abandoning things and being remoulded frightens [and in some ways horrifies me]. i cannot stop it now nor do i want to. Waves of desire overwhelm me at points in every day and, whilst there are moments of frustration and even exasperation at not being able to prioritise things, the waves of desire wash my sense of independence and freewill away. i long to be gimp. Mistress is able to do whatever she wants with me and i cannot resist Her due to this. i am Her possession incapable of resisting Her will.
Finding objectivity whilst the erotic charge of being enslaved overwhelms is proving impossible. i can only see this becoming more and more challenging and of me being entirely lost and consumed by Mistress’ control. Mistress’ ownership.